I decided early on I was a magnet.  My BlogHer08 badge screamed tourist, I suppose (not to mention I was hanging out around a hotel.)

Schmutzie came out with me.  I don’t think she believed me, as we were on the other side of the hotel this time, and she hadn’t had any problems with it at all.  Until 3-4 came up to us while she was with me.

Told you - I’m magnet.

I’m a failure as a mother.

My oldest can ride a two-wheeler.  Nobody thought that I would like to know.  This is what I miss coming home at 7pm every night.

Which are in the back of my husband’s car, and he’s at work.  “Don’t worry, baby, I’ll get all your stuff out before I go.”

So - gee darn - laundry has to wait, and bills, and driving (my wallet’s in there too.)  But no pictures either.

I’m not going to give a blow by blow of the sessions themselves, but everything else, I want to record my thoughts on.

No pictures, ’cause, well, I haven’t brought out my camera yet.

Last night I went to the newbie mixer. I had a drink, and met two lovely ladies in line, Kelly and Jennifer. Unfortunately it was really loud, and we didn’t exchange cards, so I never caught their blogs to link them. While I saw Mocha Mama… I didn’t have the balls to talk to her. I was supposed to meetup with GeekMommy, and I kind of know what she looks like, but when scanning I couldn’t find her. I quickly grew overwhelmed with the loudness and the people I didn’t know, so I left and headed up to the People’s Party.

When I got there, I got myself some swag, and got myself another drink. I was on a mission to meet Megan. I’m a reader of her blog, but as you know, she’s also the head editor of Blog Nosh (of which I’m an editor.) I really wanted to meet her. And I did! And we even got to chat a couple of times. She was a cohost of the party, so we never got to talk long, as she needed to put out various fires, but she was lovely. Again - no balls to ask for a picture. I also got to meet Angella. One, I’m a reader, and two, I purchased a couple of photos from her for my bedroom. So I wanted to meet her too. She was absolutely lovely. It was wonderful meeting her, truly. She was kind, and so easy to talk to. I saw Oh The Joys, but again - no balls.

By the way… The hotel? So far I have nothing but good things to say about it. Talk about nice. Seriously. I’m feeling very fancy schmancy in my room.

Friday is conference day one. After breakfast and all that, during the first session, I’m babysitting for Marilyn so she can speak. After that, who knows. I haven’t competely decided on which sessions I’m going to. So, hopefully 1) I don’t make an ass out of myself, and 2) I actually get the balls to talk to someone.

Next to me is a man with a braid, and real birkenstocks.  I had forgotten about those.

I recently saw a gentleman get off a plane who looked exactly like he came out of an 80’s hair band.  Long hair, black clothes.  He walked with a limp, and had the COOLEST silver tipped cane.

Tired travelers.  Tired kids.  Parents dragging.

I have to say though, this is the best, quickest time I’ve ever had.  I was the only one in check in, baggage check, and security, so went right through.  I love the Burbank Airport, I sincerely do.  I wish I could always fly out of here.

The evidence that Logan, is indeed, a pain in the neck.  I took this yesterday morning, while it was still dark.  The flash didn’t make him even stir.  That, right there, is MY side of the bed.  The pillow on the floor to the side is mine.  It goes, you know, where his feet are.  Clearly, at some point, this was preferable to his own bed.

And here’s just a roundup of the places you can see my updates while I’m at the conference.  I do, indeed, plan on taking my laptop - but I’ve never taken my laptop outside of the house (Betsy is a virgin) so, we’ll see how this goes:

• Here of course
• Flickr
• Twitter
• email - sparksfley at gmail dot com

I have various other addresses and social addictions - but those above are the ones I’ll probably be using.

At the same time, if a decision is made, I want it done.  I don’t want little steps.  I don’t want the transition.  I just want it done.

I’m lucky.  I have this man, Poe, my husband…  When I say I want to do something he always backs me up 100%.  I know a lot of people don’t have that.

But I also know that now is not the right time.  I don’t have the necessary steps in place.  To make the changes now would be incredibly immature, just because I want it done.  Sucks to be a grownup.

I feel as though I’m on this huge precipice.  All around me is sky and horizon.  All I have to do is jump.  But I have to wait for the sign - the sign that says, “Now.  Now you jump.”

I just hope that I recognize the voice.

But.

But.  I’m waiting.  You see, in a few days we’ll find out what, if anything, is causing my mother to jerk uncontrollably.  She had two tests, a cat scan/MRI, and an EEG.  We’re waiting on those results.  In the first, the tech asked her, while he was scanning her, “And does your doctor think you have a brain tumor?”  And during the EEG, “I don’t like the looks of this.”

And so we wait.

I’ve talked to Poe.  Whatever the results are, I’m going to BlogHer.  Good?  Great I’ll get the break I need.  Bad?  I’ll need the last harrah for myself.

I realize it seems morbid.  But when you’re part of the sandwich generation - you have to think morbid.  My mother has almost died 4 times in the last two years, and in the midst of that, two years ago, my biological mother died.  3 years ago, my brother committed suicide.  These are the facts of life folks - death is a fact of life.  I live next door to my two elderly parents.  I wait to find out if one of them is dying.

If she is - there are going to be big changes around here.  Like I said, I’ve already talked to Poe - and we have some plans in place in the case that she’s terminal.  If she’s not, huzzah and we move on with our life as it was.  If not?  Well, I’ve got a whole family, including an 8 year old, and 6 year old, who see grandma everyday, and it’s my role as daughter, wife, and mother, to see them through it.

So - I wait.

I just needed to get this out.