Waiting
Copied from Sparks and Butterflies so you know where I’m at Do you ever have that feeling of impending doom? You walk outside, and there’s just something off in the air, the sky, the feel of your surroundings… And you say to yourself, “Storm’s coming…” That’s what I’m feeling right now, both literally and figuratively. We’re supposed to hit 110 degrees today. There’s been increased small earthquake activity in the area. I have that off feeling. To the point where I have my work bag actually packed by my desk, instead of the contents I use during the day out, like I usually do. It’s like - there’s either a fire or earthquake coming, I can feel it. The problem is, I don’t think that’s possibly the case. I think the real thing is I feel like my life is off, and my anxiety is taking this form instead. So. I pack my work bag in case I have to evacuate, just in case. Not so easy in my life. While I’m feeling better than my last post implied, I just can’t shake the feeling that either things need to change, or they just are changing. I know that I need to change some things. I’m fighting that rut that people get into - want to change, but don’t actually do the work to do so. I’m fighting the impending storm. But storms come whether you fight them or not.
I’m Struggling
Copied from Sparks and Butterflies so you know where I’m at I’ve disabled comments on this entry. I’m really struggling in my life right now. I’m not happy in it. Changes need to be made, and I’m the only one who can make them. I’m discontent. I feel like I’m not living the life I want, and there’s no peace. I’m not happy at home or at work. I feel lazy and unmotivated. I feel ugly and fat. I feel like writing, both fiction, and here on my blog, and the words don’t come. I feel unattractive and unfeminine to my husband. I feel chaotic in my head, home, office everywhere. So, I want to simplify. Find the peace. In various areas. We’re renovating our home, which will take time, effort, and money - but I want to make it a peaceful place, with the colors that soothe me. Make it “my” home. I want to be a better wife. Poe and I’s marriage is a good one. But I want him to fulfill his head of household position - and I think I might not be letting him. And I need him to. So I need to evaluate my roll. I need to get closer to God - our relationship has been on the rocks. I know Peace will come from Him. I’ve been looking into articles on femininity, and wife-hood. Don’t get me wrong - I’ll never be the definition, but I know that there’s a peace there… And the truth is, I can’t be the stay-at-home wife and mother I want to be. We’re in a position where I have to work. And we’re redoing our budget in order to get a handle on the debt we have. Student loans suck. So does childcare. I shouldn’t have to pay twice my rent for a couple hours a day of babysitting. I’ve been very slowly getting my mindset back into FlyLady. There was an article on her business here - but the system is free - all that money they’re talking about is on products you don’t need, the services and ideas, and instructions and exhortations are all free, and always have been. Just thought I’d mention that, since I didn’t think that they made that clear enough. I’m quitting Jenny Craig. (the money issue again.) But I think I’m going to join Saving Dinner and cook again. I just need to watch my portion intake. That’s the real problem for me. I have a plan for everything but working out. I’m thinking Yoga. I’m thinking I need to move, but I’ve got to find a release. That’s the only thing that I really haven’t planned out yet. And last but not least, I want to institute family night. Since I want it to be a tradition that will continue on for years, I’m thinking Sunday nights. The kids aren’t going to want to be tied to home on Friday and Saturday nights later down the road. I don’t know. I feel like I’m in fix it mode in my life. I have these beautiful people in my life, and yet I’m frustrated. People who love me, and I feel weighed down by all my responsibility to them. I’ve got a lot of people who rely on me for various things, of all and sundry misc things, important and not important. Poe, Logan, Joseph, mom, dad, my boss, my coworkers… They all need stuff from me. I’m overwhelmed. It’s time to simplify for peace.
Starting Again
So - I’m starting again today. Got my food, and I have my weekly consultation tonight - can’t weigh in though. Haven’t found that lithium battery yet for the scale. I’m feeling a bunch of things - about my weight, body image, what I want - but they’re all a jumble in my head at the moment. I can’t seem to find the words. When I do - I’ll write them here. I want this to be more than just weight tracking.
Got Interviewed
So I got interviewed for WLTips.com… You can read it here. I’m almost back. No, stop laughing. Really. I start back on the program on Thursday. In the meantime I’ve got to find a battery for my scale - someone put a box on it through the move.
Kinda Sorta Back
So - I’m kind of back from my move. You can see what’s going on here. Next week I start my tracking and food again with JC. Which is good that it’s next week. You know, since I can’t find my food. Throughout this move, I haven’t been eating properly, but I sure have been moving (and lifting, pulling, pushing, twisting, walking, etc.) However, I can’t weigh in yet. Someone put a box on top of the scale, which means it ran the battery down, so I need a new battery. Anyway - in the next couple of weeks to come I’ll be posting more, and getting back on track. Bear with me.
Break
Cross Post with Sparks and Butterflies. I’m taking a short blogging break… My boss is on vacation - meaning I’m covering for her. We’re moving next week. Did you hear me? NEXTWEEKOMG And in between the two we have to take a really inconvenient overnight to Big Bear - family obligation. Not to mention the moving, and the lack of computer, and lack of phone line etc. I’ll seeya on the flip side.
Weigh In
OKie dokie I reversed last week’s debacle and clocked in at 184.6. This is very good. It means I lost what I gained last week, and then some, so I’m happy. I need to be more active this week, though. Last week some unexpected opportunities showed up, so I didn’t need to work out. This week, though, I’ll probably need to actually put the damn dvd in the machine. All in all I’m happy this week. I had to give myself a good talking to. I was getting really whiny in my head, and I hate myself when I do that. Anyway, there’s that.
A daily struggle
Every day I struggle. This week hasn’t been as bad as last week. But every day is a struggle. A struggle to contain what I crave. A struggle to drink as much water as my body needs. A struggle to remember my vitamins, supplements and medications. A struggle to not grab what’s convenient. I don’t know. I’ve been watching Susan Powter. Shut up - I don’t want to hear it, ’cause right now she’s helping me put my body in perspective. After I’m through with JC, which is helping me get my portions under control, I’m going to try and move gradually to whole foods. I also would like to try yoga. I need the stress relief and I need the flexibility in my body. I’m going to weigh in tomorrow morning as normal, but I’m canceling my consultation this week. Just too much going on at home right now, meetings, and summer school starts, etc.
Very Disappointed
So I’m up a pound. Not happy about this, but so very not surprised. It was a rough week, but the bottom line came to I didn’t WANT TO DO THE PLAN. I was very jeuvenile in my head, and I may as well have been jumping up and down screaming “I don’t wanna!” Tomorrow starts my new plan week, and I plan on doing much better. I suppose it really does just come down to motivation for me. I need to remain motivated. To stay on plan, to not eat foods I KNOW don’t help in my master plan, to work out. Sigh. Two steps forward, one step back. I need to let it go, such is life.
Not so hot
So this weekend sucked eating wise. I’m not entirely sure what was going on. I don’t know if I was cranky, hot, tired, or a combination of them, or if it was hormonal. But I wanted carboriffic food. And if I wasn’t wanting that, I wanted sweets. Very bizarre. And now today? I’m fine. We’ll see how it comes out in the wash at weigh in.