Sparks and Butterflies

Oh where to start, where to start…

Let’s just update you on all.

Joseph – started his first day of Middle School today.

Could we just have a moment of silence for me?

**shhhh**

OK. Enough said. Early in the summer we stopped Joseph’s meds. That turned out to be a disaster that I’d rather just forget. Suffice it to say… he’s back on his meds, and we’re not going to do that again anytime soon. Period. But he’s back on his meds – he’s started school, and he’s back to doing well.

Logan is still on summer break until 8/29. But he’s as ornery and funny as ever.

Poe is doing great, but has a current hatred for what he’s doing. There are some other possibilities on the table that are keeping us in a state of limbo, which I hate, but has the potential to be great. More on that later – if it pans out.

And me. I’ve been working my little tushie off. Which has left me no time for keeping up with friends, bloggers, social media or anything else. I’m still working on getting that to work. And now with Joseph starting school, and later Logan, it’s throwing me for a loop. Money = good, no time = not so good. I’m also working on my own spiritual path, what that looks like from a mental/spirit perspective, and logistics perspective.

So. Crazyness.

I know, I know, I know. I disappeared.

I can’t help it.

Let’s see. Let’s do a recap on everyone.

Joseph: Doing well! He starts 6th grade in the fall at his same special school. That district does Jr. High 6-8, so he’s technically entering Jr. High. Which… I’m not ready for. Neither am I ready for the budding puberty I’m witnessing. Under his psychiatrist’s direction, we’ve also stopped his meds. Except for a couple of days of adjustment, he’s done fine, which is great. I’m waiting for 3 months into the school year, though. That will be the true test as to whether he can stay off the meds. I know of wherefore I speak. He’s currently doing summer school.

Logan: Also doing well! He starts 3rd in fall. They’ll also be bringing in some modifications, as well as an OT observation based on a medical request. Of course, I’ve been asking for 3 years, but hey, better late than never? or something. Anyway, the modifications we requested should help him tremendously academically. The school finally seemed to realize the weightiness of his heart condition, and then promptly freaked the eff out, so now we have to have (yet another) meeting with the district nurse and the PE teacher before the school year starts. Sigh. They act like this has never been an issue before. Um. I’ve put it on all his school forms, he’s had it since birth, and he wears a medic-alert bracelet. Like I said, it’s only taken them 3 years. Seriously, get with the program.

Poe: Also doing well! He’s still working nights. We have hopes that a promotion is in the works, but the truth is that it is months away, and I don’t trust his company as far as I can throw them, so we’ll see.

Me: Doing… Ok. I’ve gained a ton of new clients (good!) but my mother is starting to refuse my help (bad!). I’ve been working on a lot of spiritual stuff (good!) which is leading to confusion (bad!). Still in therapy.

We’re also potentially planning a grandfather/grandson trip, and a camping trip. Maybe. If we can get our act together, and have some extra funds. Truthfully, one day morphs into the next. I feel like right now, we’re all about survival and routines. But we ARE surviving. We’re even seeing some progress on a lot of fronts. But lately it seems like it goes like this:

Wake up really early.

Work.

Wake kids/get ready.

Work.

Housework.

Work.

Dinner and cleanup.

Watch trash TV, because my brain can’t handle anything creative.

Bed.

Get up really early.

So… I haven’t gotten a good rant on in a really long time. And maybe that’s a good thing. I’m trying to live from a place that’s “heart-centered” and trying to not judge anyone for anything. That’s both easy, and incredibly difficult at the same time. But it does have the benefit of peace, which is something I’ve been trying to attain for a long, long time.

Been at this since ’95, and it’s the first time I’ve attempted one of these. Some are serious – some are not (but true). Edited to add: Also – my template changed all the numbers to alphabet instead. I have NO IDEA how to fix that. So when I say “See number 20?” I mean “Letter T.” Apparently.

1. I don’t like hummingbirds.  They’re vampires from hell that want to suck the juice from my eyeballs.
2. Bees scare me way too much for me not to be allergic.
3. They always have but I got stung by a bee in the crotch. That takes talent.
4. My husband can solve a Rubik’s cube in under 3 minutes.  Not my thing, but so random I have to mention it here.
5. I have incredibly curly hair.
6. I sometimes have pink hair.
7. My eyebrow is pierced.
8. I have two tattoos with plans to add more that connect those two into one picture.
9. Yes, they all mean something.
10. Yes, I’d do it again.
11. I waited a year for each to be sure.
12. I am politically conservative.
13. I am a Christian.
14. I am not your “typical” Christian. I have some extremely eclectic view which I do not share here.
15. I do not know who my biological father is.  I will never know, my biological mother is dead and purposely kept the info from me.
16. My favorite color is green.
17. I love pasta.
18. I hate yogurt.
19. I have 2 ulcers.  I tested negatively for the h-pylori bacteria – yes I do actually worry that much.
20. Did I mention I’m in therapy? I am.
21. I have a hernia waiting to break through.  Can’t do anything until it does, though.
22. I have consistent migraines.  Have since I hit puberty.
23. My husband had a brain injury.  Since his recovery, he’s prone to migraines.
24. We don’t go to concerts where there will be strobe lights or else neither of us would be able to drive home. We’re a pair.
25. I have two uteri & two cervices.  It’s called Uterine Didelphys.  I’m lucky to be a mother.
26. My husband and I both think I get PMDD, rather than PMS.  He’s learned to deal, but you?  You might want to stay away.
27. See number 20.
28. One ear is double pierced.  The other is triple pierced.
29. I used to be addicted to meth (as of this writing, it’s been over 13 years.) (Yes, I still count.)
30. I don’t drink much – don’t like the taste.
31. I have a cat who spends the day on my lap while I write.  It’s a hard life.
32. The same cat sleeps with me each night.  Her head shares my pillow.
33. I have a half sister I have not seen since she was 6 months old.  I searched and found her.  We are in contact, but neither of us can afford the trip to visit.
34. I have a half brother we have not been able to find.
35. I have another half sister that I think I found who was relinquished at birth.  But until I’m sure, I won’t disrupt her life.
36. I am one female in a house with three other males. And yet, I clean the toilets. Something’s not right.
37. I am a great cook – but I don’t do fancy.  You seriously want to eat my pot roast.
38. I am the only person in the house who will willingly eat something with foreign things in it – like vitamins and minerals.
39. I am annoyed very easily.
40. I can’t stand people. Persons I like. People can suck it.
41. I think artichokes are an awful lot of work for very little return.
42. Coffee and I are BFFs.
43. I smoke. I’m not proud that I smoke. I don’t need the lecture.
44. I have green/gray/blue eyes. Depends on my mood and what I’m wearing.
45. I like them best when they’re green.
46. I wear glasses.
47. I will never wear contacts because the idea of putting something in my eye completely squicks me out.
48. Which is why I will never have Lasik surgery – I’d probably pass out from the anxiety.
49. I’m scared of heights. It’s just about a full-blown phobia. I will not go on “straight down” rides, like Freefall at Magic Mountain.
50. I break out in a sweat and use both hands on the rail if I go up or down those stairs you can see through.
51. I had to walk across a freeway overpass. My husband had to hold onto me, until I broke out into a run ’cause I was almost to the other side. All while telling the kids, “I’m fine, no problem.” And then promptly burst into tears.
52. See number 20.
53. I play those annoying Facebook games. If you don’t like it, you know you can block those applications right? If you write me and tell me to stop putting it on your feed… I’m not. It’s because you’re seeing MY feed, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I will also give you detailed directions in how to block the application so you don’t have to see them ever again.
54. I can be a bit prickly.
55. I am also kind.
56. I’m not very sympathetic.
57. If someone dies, I’m probably not going to hold your hand. (I know, I suck.) But chances are, I’ll make sure your house is clean, you’re eating enough, and your bills are paid properly until you’re back on your feet.
58. I might be a bit too practical.
59. And emotions are hard for me.
60. It has to do with how I was raised, some abuse, rape, and abandonment issues. Oh – and see number 20.
61. My husband has the capability to completely undo me emotionally in all the good ways. And he’s the only one who can.
62. My mother has the capability, however, to completely undo me emotionally in all the bad ways. Again – she’s the only one who can.
63. I am a strict disciplinarian. My kids both have special needs, and need that structure with monumental boundaries. So if you tell me my son would be fine if he just had more discipline at home – I may scratch your eyes out.
64. I’m a bit of a mama bear.
65. I love ghost hunting shows.
66. Yes, I believe in ghosts.
67. And I don’t believe any religion has the full knowledge of what will happen in the afterlife.
68. Love potatoes, doesn’t matter if they’re mashed, baked, fried, or stuffed.
69. I cannot hear the volume of my own voice due to inner ear damage. My biological mother dropped me on my head 3 times resulting in 3 concussions, hence the damage. My husband has to give me visual clues that I’m getting too loud when I’m excited.
70. I also have trouble separating conversations in loud places (like restaurants, or cars when the radio is on).
71. Have I mentioned my dysfunctional family?
72. Also, see number 20.
73. I said yes to a guy to marry him after 3 days.
74. We were married 3 months later (no I was not pregnant).
75. We just had our 13th anniversary.
76. I know how to use knives. My favorite is a triple edged dagger.
77. I have a weakness for pajamas, the softer the better. My favorite part of the day.
78. I have a weakness for new blank journals.
79. Oh, and fountain pens!
80. I wear a toe ring.
81. I can type as fast as most people talk. (Not as fast as I talk. But as fast as normal people talk.)
82. I love candles. There is usually one burning all day long.
83. I’d rather be cold than hot.
84. I’m not sure if I believe aliens exist or not. But I do not believe it’s impossible.
85. After all that strangeness, my favorite ice cream flavor is vanilla.
86. I hate cake frosting, unless it’s cool whip. My grandma used to make me angel food cakes without the frosting for my birthday because of this.
87. For birthdays I usually make some extra unfrosted cupcakes on the side because of this. Mom likes ‘em that way too.
88. I used to make jewelry. I don’t have the money for the findings, so I can’t right now.
89. I LOVE to read, and do so voraciously.
90. I have a standard pot-luck meal: Pasta Roni (chicken, butter, or Parmesan flavor). While pasta is cooking, add frozen corn. Grill chicken breast and cut into bite size chunks. Add to final pasta. Top with shredded cheddar. Good hot or cold. Might sound kind of weird, but it’s the only thing I’ve ever taken that every bit of it gets eaten by strangers.
91. When I make pasta – I make enough to feed an army. It’s seriously sad how out of whack my dried pasta to cooked pasta ratio is skewed.
92. I’ve learned to love next day/leftover pasta.
93. I have a strong emotional memory. In other words – if something happens that makes me feel something (good or bad) I’ll remember. Such as that conversation from 1992. I seriously caught my husband  in a 5 year old white lie. He was amazed. And doesn’t lie anymore.
94. I, however, cannot remember anything I ate last week.
95. I own my own business. I’m damn good at what I do.
96. I am a dog person, yet I have two cats. They are distinct individuals, and we cater to their habits. We? Are also suckers.
97. I am a terrible, terrible photographer. (I am totally jealous of those who’s candid snapshots look like they belong in a gallery installation.)
98. I am an Aries. I don’t know what that means, exactly, but I’m told that’s spot on.
99. My first computer was an Apple IIc+. My current computer is a pink dell named Betsy. I also have a pink cover on my iPhone. She’s Lucy. My kindle? Lola.
100. I just heard you roll your eyes.

There’s lots’ of stuff going on right now. Frankly, I just don’t want to think about it at all, so I’m just not going to. Instead, I’d like to tell you a love story.

As a crossing guard, I spend a lot of time watching the grass grow. Literally. To remain sane, you become hyper aware of your surroundings. You begin to pick out patterns and routines around you. My “post” is across the street from a park. Many folks walk their dogs there in the mornings.

Around 8:30am, a large gold truck will park. An older, large man in his sweats will get out, hike his paints up a bit, open the back door to grab some stuff, and then will grab his dog. I have no idea what breed this dog is. She’s white (it’s totally a “she”), with curly hair, and on the large side of the small category. She’s totally perked up and ready to go. She doesn’t bark at anyone. She goes right to the grass to do a little bit of “business” and lifts her head and tosses her hair, and goes on to march around their route – which she picks. She picks the same one every time. This is one spoiled dog. On particularly cold days, she has a bright pink sweater on. On rainy days, I kid you not, she wears a yellow doggie rain slicker. (It’s absolutely adorable.) She wears her clothes with a panache that many humans cannot duplicate. I have named her Princess in my head.

On most days, another set of dog/owner come along to the park. Sometimes around 8:30am, and sometimes not. They walk there. The owner is a scruffy man with a large backpack and a visor. They vary their route, and the dog also picks the route. This dog… I don’t know what it is, but it looks like a small horse. I think it’s a “he.” He will bark at all large vehicles – not in a warning manner – more like, “Look!  A Toy!” When standing next to me (they sometimes cross to my side of the street), his head reaches my ribcage. He has very long hair. It is worn in two pigtails so he can see. His hair is so long that when you see him trot from behind, his hair swings in a very distinctive manner. Thus, I have named him Snufflupaguss in my head.

The magic happens when both Snufflupaguss and Princess arrive at the park at the same time. They will spot each other from across the park. At that moment, the music swells, both owners let them off their leashes, and they run to each other from either side. When they meet, their tails wag so hard, their entire bodies move. Snufflupaguss will lay down so Princess can actually reach him. She’ll run circles around his body while he just wriggles. I can tell from all the way across the park and crowded intersection that they are screaming, “OMG IT’S MY FRIEND! MY FRIEND IS HERE! LOOK! IT’S MY FRIEND!” After their initial greeting, Snufflupaguss and Princess will form a circle and go around and around and around greeting each other in the timeless way of dogs… Sniffing each others butts. Their owners look on like proud, indulgent parents.

When these two get together, and I’m able to witness the event – it makes my whole day. Joy. It’s everywhere if you choose to look for it.

It’s official.  I had my first tap dancing class last night.

It’s only a 5 week course.  I’d love to continue after that, but I have no idea if I’ll be able to afford it, we’ll see.

The teacher is the owner of the studio.  She’s also a choreographer, film/TV dancer, and teaches all of it – ballet, tap, jazz, modern.  Having been in the entertainment industry as both talent and then later on in the administrative side of things, I just had my fingers crossed.  She wasn’t a bitch!  Yay!  She was strict about certain things, but explained why.  The rest of the time she was very loose, and getting us to have fun while pushing us at the same time.

It is so familiar to me.  You know what they say about  bicycles and horses… But the view in the mirror is a whole lot different.

I’m glad I’m doing this, sore calves and toes and all.

October 1950: American model Joan Vohs poses for a new year greetings card. (Photo by Keystone/Getty Images)

What do I want out of the new year?  I don’t make resolutions per se.  I find them to be restrictive.  But I do have general goals.  It’s an end and a beginning, and it only makes sense to think about what you want out of your future.

I want to be more organized.  No.  I want to feel more organized.  I don’t often drop the ball, and people – from friends and family to clients – know I’ll handle the details.  But that doesn’t mean my mind is calm, or that I feel in control.  Most of the time I feel like I’m hanging on by my teeth and fingernails.  So, I’m back to doing FlyLady.  Slowly.  With baby steps.  I’m being more proactive with my business.  I’m creating plans with the emphasis on what works to implement them.

I want to feel more healthy, alert, and energetic.  Which means quitting smoking, exercising, and eating well.  As a recovering addict, the smoking is difficult.  I’ve created a step-down plan I’m working.  I’m slowly started the Couch-to-5K program.  I’ve already run into problems with that – allergies, kid care, and Poe’s sleep schedule.  I’m not quitting, I’m fixing.  Slowly.  We have to live our life as well.  I’m considering joining Weight Watchers – but I haven’t decided yet if I can afford it.  I may just use Spark People and watch what I eat.  I do well with structure, though, so we’ll see.

I need to grow spiritually.  I’m working on that.  I’m not comfortable (yet?) sharing the specifics of that, but the point is growth.  I’m working on it.

Notice I didn’t mention money?  Well, now I am.  I fully intend that 2011 will be better financially.  I’m sick and tired and mad at focusing on survival.  I want more than that for me AND my family.  I want there to be emergency savings, retirement savings, college savings, and no debt.  I no longer want to be on pins and needles as to whether there will be food money week to week.  But – I’ve decided that focusing on it doesn’t work.  Hasn’t for 2 years.  Instead – I’m focusing on me.  Not in a selfish MEMEME way – but in the attempt to create out of myself a better, healthier, happier person.  I’m hopeful that the other things, like financial prosperity, will be a natural offshoot of that.

So, here’s to a wonderful, happy, healthy, prosperous, spiritual, exciting New Year, 2011 to all of you.

I’ve been overwhelmed in every single aspect of my life.  It’s been such a struggle just to put one foot in front of the other.

But I’ve always loved this time of year.  Saying goodbye to the old year, saying hello to the new year.  And that’s what I plan on doing.

I’ll probably get more specific as time goes on, of course.  But there are changes afoot in nearly every aspect of my life, from the house on up to my spiritual walk.  I’m determined to see them as good, as necessary, and to to the work.  I’m tired of the frozen stagnation I’ve felt.  A phrase I’ve heard bandied about lately, “Be the change you seek.”  That’s what I’m working on.

May 2011 be the best yet.

It’s 10/10/10 at 10:10am. 10:10:10:10:10

Yes I’m actually posting ahead so that this happens. It makes my little baby geek inside happy. If I could have gotten it to the second I would have been happier.

I used the library as a kid for research. School reports and projects had me at the school, and then public and college libraries. But that’s not where I got my personal reading books. Mom bought me those through those scholastic catalogs, and later book stores, and when I was trying to save money, book swaps. But with book swaps, you pay for shipping. We can’t spare that money right now.

I ventured into the library because I was finally desperate for reading material. I was disappointed in the selection, as our branch is really small. But then I discovered ::cue hallelujia chorus:: the county website. I can order any book in the county system online and pick it up at my branch.

I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to be reading anything and everything my heart desires again. For free. Sigh. I know I’m late to the game, but seriously? This has changed my life. I can still “escape” without feeling guilty about the finances.

Well.

Brace yourself.

Poe got a job!

Now, the caveat…  He’s making less than half his previous salary – which also means he’s making less than unemployment brings in.  But – benefits kick in in 90 days, and they promote from within.  We’re hoping he’ll continue to be promoted over time.

This is a very good thing.  It’s good for our finances, it’s good for his state of mind, and frankly, it’s good for me.  Having room to breathe and do my thing has been good.

However.  I don’t deal with change well.  We’re having to learn a new routine because he has a very odd shift.  So, I’m scrapping my whole routine and starting over from scratch.  And then I’ll get to do it again when the kids go back to school.

That’s okay.  He got a job!

I don’t know that we’re going to make the in-laws, Poe’s seeing if he can trade shifts once in a while.  I may take the kids on our camping trip by myself.  We’ll see – automobiles might be an issue there.

Sigh.  These are good problems to have.

Now, I’m going to need to fix our budget.  That’s going to take some time.

***

Check out Butterviews for BlogHer…  What caregiving is to me.  There’s a chance for a cruise at BlogHer’s roundup page – so you might want to check it out!  The post is Full Plates and Everything Else.