Sparks and Butterflies

There’s lots’ of stuff going on right now. Frankly, I just don’t want to think about it at all, so I’m just not going to. Instead, I’d like to tell you a love story.

As a crossing guard, I spend a lot of time watching the grass grow. Literally. To remain sane, you become hyper aware of your surroundings. You begin to pick out patterns and routines around you. My “post” is across the street from a park. Many folks walk their dogs there in the mornings.

Around 8:30am, a large gold truck will park. An older, large man in his sweats will get out, hike his paints up a bit, open the back door to grab some stuff, and then will grab his dog. I have no idea what breed this dog is. She’s white (it’s totally a “she”), with curly hair, and on the large side of the small category. She’s totally perked up and ready to go. She doesn’t bark at anyone. She goes right to the grass to do a little bit of “business” and lifts her head and tosses her hair, and goes on to march around their route – which she picks. She picks the same one every time. This is one spoiled dog. On particularly cold days, she has a bright pink sweater on. On rainy days, I kid you not, she wears a yellow doggie rain slicker. (It’s absolutely adorable.) She wears her clothes with a panache that many humans cannot duplicate. I have named her Princess in my head.

On most days, another set of dog/owner come along to the park. Sometimes around 8:30am, and sometimes not. They walk there. The owner is a scruffy man with a large backpack and a visor. They vary their route, and the dog also picks the route. This dog… I don’t know what it is, but it looks like a small horse. I think it’s a “he.” He will bark at all large vehicles – not in a warning manner – more like, “Look!  A Toy!” When standing next to me (they sometimes cross to my side of the street), his head reaches my ribcage. He has very long hair. It is worn in two pigtails so he can see. His hair is so long that when you see him trot from behind, his hair swings in a very distinctive manner. Thus, I have named him Snufflupaguss in my head.

The magic happens when both Snufflupaguss and Princess arrive at the park at the same time. They will spot each other from across the park. At that moment, the music swells, both owners let them off their leashes, and they run to each other from either side. When they meet, their tails wag so hard, their entire bodies move. Snufflupaguss will lay down so Princess can actually reach him. She’ll run circles around his body while he just wriggles. I can tell from all the way across the park and crowded intersection that they are screaming, “OMG IT’S MY FRIEND! MY FRIEND IS HERE! LOOK! IT’S MY FRIEND!” After their initial greeting, Snufflupaguss and Princess will form a circle and go around and around and around greeting each other in the timeless way of dogs… Sniffing each others butts. Their owners look on like proud, indulgent parents.

When these two get together, and I’m able to witness the event – it makes my whole day. Joy. It’s everywhere if you choose to look for it.

It’s official.  I had my first tap dancing class last night.

It’s only a 5 week course.  I’d love to continue after that, but I have no idea if I’ll be able to afford it, we’ll see.

The teacher is the owner of the studio.  She’s also a choreographer, film/TV dancer, and teaches all of it – ballet, tap, jazz, modern.  Having been in the entertainment industry as both talent and then later on in the administrative side of things, I just had my fingers crossed.  She wasn’t a bitch!  Yay!  She was strict about certain things, but explained why.  The rest of the time she was very loose, and getting us to have fun while pushing us at the same time.

It is so familiar to me.  You know what they say about  bicycles and horses… But the view in the mirror is a whole lot different.

I’m glad I’m doing this, sore calves and toes and all.

October 1950: American model Joan Vohs poses for a new year greetings card. (Photo by Keystone/Getty Images)

What do I want out of the new year?  I don’t make resolutions per se.  I find them to be restrictive.  But I do have general goals.  It’s an end and a beginning, and it only makes sense to think about what you want out of your future.

I want to be more organized.  No.  I want to feel more organized.  I don’t often drop the ball, and people – from friends and family to clients – know I’ll handle the details.  But that doesn’t mean my mind is calm, or that I feel in control.  Most of the time I feel like I’m hanging on by my teeth and fingernails.  So, I’m back to doing FlyLady.  Slowly.  With baby steps.  I’m being more proactive with my business.  I’m creating plans with the emphasis on what works to implement them.

I want to feel more healthy, alert, and energetic.  Which means quitting smoking, exercising, and eating well.  As a recovering addict, the smoking is difficult.  I’ve created a step-down plan I’m working.  I’m slowly started the Couch-to-5K program.  I’ve already run into problems with that – allergies, kid care, and Poe’s sleep schedule.  I’m not quitting, I’m fixing.  Slowly.  We have to live our life as well.  I’m considering joining Weight Watchers – but I haven’t decided yet if I can afford it.  I may just use Spark People and watch what I eat.  I do well with structure, though, so we’ll see.

I need to grow spiritually.  I’m working on that.  I’m not comfortable (yet?) sharing the specifics of that, but the point is growth.  I’m working on it.

Notice I didn’t mention money?  Well, now I am.  I fully intend that 2011 will be better financially.  I’m sick and tired and mad at focusing on survival.  I want more than that for me AND my family.  I want there to be emergency savings, retirement savings, college savings, and no debt.  I no longer want to be on pins and needles as to whether there will be food money week to week.  But – I’ve decided that focusing on it doesn’t work.  Hasn’t for 2 years.  Instead – I’m focusing on me.  Not in a selfish MEMEME way – but in the attempt to create out of myself a better, healthier, happier person.  I’m hopeful that the other things, like financial prosperity, will be a natural offshoot of that.

So, here’s to a wonderful, happy, healthy, prosperous, spiritual, exciting New Year, 2011 to all of you.

I’ve been overwhelmed in every single aspect of my life.  It’s been such a struggle just to put one foot in front of the other.

But I’ve always loved this time of year.  Saying goodbye to the old year, saying hello to the new year.  And that’s what I plan on doing.

I’ll probably get more specific as time goes on, of course.  But there are changes afoot in nearly every aspect of my life, from the house on up to my spiritual walk.  I’m determined to see them as good, as necessary, and to to the work.  I’m tired of the frozen stagnation I’ve felt.  A phrase I’ve heard bandied about lately, “Be the change you seek.”  That’s what I’m working on.

May 2011 be the best yet.

It’s 10/10/10 at 10:10am. 10:10:10:10:10

Yes I’m actually posting ahead so that this happens. It makes my little baby geek inside happy. If I could have gotten it to the second I would have been happier.

I used the library as a kid for research. School reports and projects had me at the school, and then public and college libraries. But that’s not where I got my personal reading books. Mom bought me those through those scholastic catalogs, and later book stores, and when I was trying to save money, book swaps. But with book swaps, you pay for shipping. We can’t spare that money right now.

I ventured into the library because I was finally desperate for reading material. I was disappointed in the selection, as our branch is really small. But then I discovered ::cue hallelujia chorus:: the county website. I can order any book in the county system online and pick it up at my branch.

I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to be reading anything and everything my heart desires again. For free. Sigh. I know I’m late to the game, but seriously? This has changed my life. I can still “escape” without feeling guilty about the finances.

Well.

Brace yourself.

Poe got a job!

Now, the caveat…  He’s making less than half his previous salary – which also means he’s making less than unemployment brings in.  But – benefits kick in in 90 days, and they promote from within.  We’re hoping he’ll continue to be promoted over time.

This is a very good thing.  It’s good for our finances, it’s good for his state of mind, and frankly, it’s good for me.  Having room to breathe and do my thing has been good.

However.  I don’t deal with change well.  We’re having to learn a new routine because he has a very odd shift.  So, I’m scrapping my whole routine and starting over from scratch.  And then I’ll get to do it again when the kids go back to school.

That’s okay.  He got a job!

I don’t know that we’re going to make the in-laws, Poe’s seeing if he can trade shifts once in a while.  I may take the kids on our camping trip by myself.  We’ll see – automobiles might be an issue there.

Sigh.  These are good problems to have.

Now, I’m going to need to fix our budget.  That’s going to take some time.

***

Check out Butterviews for BlogHer…  What caregiving is to me.  There’s a chance for a cruise at BlogHer’s roundup page – so you might want to check it out!  The post is Full Plates and Everything Else.

I can honestly say I’ve never has the opportunity to write this before. I just got back from the shooting range with Poe.

I shot a Glock.

Huh.

I have a really intrinsic fear of guns. They have been held to my head. I’ve been literally physically forced to hold them. Now I’m afraid of them. Not a healthy fear that promotes safety, but but a flight response. Because Poe’s potential line of work will probably entail firearms coming home I have to get over this, learn the safety, and learn how to use them the right way.

It’s going to take time. But I stayed the whole time and didn’t run. I fired 10 rounds. And now that I’ve fired a 9mm Poe wants me to 22mm next time. He said it’ll be more comfortable for me, but wanted to start me bigger so I have a healthy respect for the weapon. When it was time for me to shoot again, I just looked at him and said I don’t want to. He didn’t force me. I actually cried the 1st 15 minutes we were in there.

My husband is such a patient man. He was even proud of me.

I’ve always wanted to post that (and mean it.)  We’re leaving for a camping/fishing trip early tomorrow morning.  A girls only Palm Springs trip is to directly follow.

And would be burglars?  My dad’s house/cat sitting.  He shoots first.  I wouldn’t test the voracity of that statement.

See you next week!

I don’t know if all moms are like me.  But I make lists.  Lots and lots of lists.

And right now I have a couple of clients heading out to NY next week, who have not yet given me credit card info for flights, another client to write for, swim lessons to sign up for, and a camping trip next week, followed the next day by a Palm Springs trip with some girls from high school.  Although “girls” seems like the wrong term since I’m 3 years away from my 20 year reunion.

I’ve made a lot of lists.

Lists of meetings and itineraries for clients.  Packing lists for camping.  Packing lists for Palm Springs.  Lists of what to buy.  Lists of what to do.  Not to mention reservations, directions, and how-to’s.  I had to google how to clean a fish.  Because my dad always did that part.  I also had to google how to percolate coffee.  I wasn’t old enough back then.

It’s quite possible that the lists are indeed keeping me sane.  Does that make me OCD?