Sparks and Butterflies

OK. So, the military will be training in Los Angeles. That link is from local news, main stream. It has a tone of, “Don’t worry, nothing to see here.” I live in a suburb town about 10 minutes (ok, an hour with traffic, Good Lord the traffic) from Los Angeles.

The “tin foil hat” sites that I frequent are BLOWING.UP.  I’m not going to share those links with you. I’m just going to share my thoughts.

The military has entire installations with all kinds of settings for training – as well it should. My husband, a former Marine, has trained in whole urban towns, sewers and all, for potential urban atmospheres. Those urban towns are on base. So, I immediately come to the thought of why is Los Angeles necessary?

With the various conflicts around the world, people angry with the United States, and the mere names of Iran and Israel creating anxiety, there’s certainly the threat of war. With the defense act, Agenda 21, FEMA camps, and US citizens having the potential of being held without trial, there’s the threat of domestic issues. With public unrest and anxiety in regards to our economy, the state of our government, and how that has effected all of us at home (we literally have 1/3 the income we did 3 years ago), there is a serious sense of unease to the point of civil unrest (the Occupy movement, the Tea Party, and more).

So, when I hear that the military is training in Los Angeles, I think of two scenarios, international (incoming attacks), and domestic (martial law). In both cases, I think “What are they not telling us?”

What are they not telling us? What do they know? What are they preparing for?

I find conspiracy theories fascinating, true. I frequent the Tin Foil Hat sites and marvel. I don’t necessarily subscribe. I’m a level headed creature. I would love nothing more than to work hard, play hard, be able to pay my bills, get rid of debt, save for emergencies, college, and retirement. Someday, I’d love to own a home in Alaska – the beauty is breathtaking. In truth, right now, I struggle to feed my family AND pay all the bills. But I can dream. I think they’re simple dreams. But I feel like a cloud is about to come over us – personally, and as a country. I’m seeing little things here and there, but the picture coming together as a whole is beginning to scare me. I don’t like it, and feel powerless against it. And due to our financial situation, I feel ill-equipped to handle whatever may come our way. That last bit makes me feel anxious.

Disclosure: I am an intelligent human being. I do not suffer from any mental disorders coloring my thoughts according to my therapist.

My dad is 77 years old. A couple of years ago, he got a computer.

You’re looking at “Tech Support.”

Anyway, he’s still in the email phase of email forwards of every single funny thing he’s sent. And no, I’m not about to attempt to explain “BCC” to him, so if I have your email address and you didn’t want me to? I apologize. I pick my battles.

Anyway, he sent me the following. It’s cute – thought I’d share.

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should’ve known…

ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

A catch up post of sorts.

My new computer doesn’t come until next Tuesday. I’m checking the website every day to see if there are changes, as this old computer of Poe’s is killing me. I’m a great typist, but there is something about this keyboard. I’ve got typos EVERYWHERE, and randomly keep turning on the Caps Lock key. And it’s very slow, and my efficiency has taken a huge hit. It’s all my own fault for spilling the stupid soda. I can’t really afford the computer, but I certainly can’t afford not to work. Sigh.

My mother is out of the hospital and is at home. As usual, they cannot find the source of the bleeding, and then she spontaneously stopped, so they kicked her out. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve been through this in the last 6 years.

I’m saddened by our lack of funding for Christmas this year. We’re going to have a discussion about Santa not being real, and I hate that the reason for that is our finances, and not my children maturing past the concept. I think I can squeeze out about $200. That should cover the new PJ’s (a tradition), bathrobes (a request), and DS points (another request). But that’s it, and that amount may be reduced if I can’t find deals on our Christmas breakfast/dinner items. I already have one gift for Poe, $25 on ebay a couple of months ago, which he’ll love. And I am making the other things, like teachers gifts, and I got those supplies on sale a few months ago.

I don’t know. Money sucks. While I’ve never been into spending a ton of money on extravagant things, I would love to have some leeway. It’s just not there. But. The good news is, we’re even. Poe’s checks take care of the regular bills, and then my checks take care of the groceries. So we have exactly enough to get by. But really, that’s not enough, because we don’t have extra to put by for emergencies. But we’re not behind on any bills, and I’m not getting calls from collectors, so we’re better than we have been in the past.

So… Somehow it’s late November, 2011, and Thanksgiving is next week. I’m not entirely sure how that happened. It feels like the days are flying by faster and faster and faster.

Here’s what we’re having:

Turkey – I don’t usually stuff it with stuffing, but I do put onions and such in it for flavor. Got the Turkey for free this year, through a vons.com deal.

Stuffing – Stovetop. ‘Cause I like it, and it’s easy, and I got it for $0.99 this year.

Cranberry sauce – I’m the only one who’ll eat it.

Dinner rolls – We always have those Kings Hawaiian rolls, it’s turned into a tradition.

Mashed Potatoes – I’m going to use my Kitchen Aid mixer, and a recipe I got from it. Joseph likes potatoes.

Gravy – I don’t make great gravy from scratch, it’s really hit and miss. So I bought jarred as a backup just in case.

Carmen’s Corn Pudding – Never tried it before, but this is for Logan, who doesn’t like potatoes.

Pumpkin Pie – I make the filling from scratch, but buy pie shells, ’cause I have serious rolling out issues. No really, you don’t want me to roll out dough for anything. It’s embarrassing.

So – it’s a good mix of convenience and scratch cooking. I’ve done the Thanksgiving meal for all about 5 years or so, and I’m learning what I like, what I don’t, what the other family members like and don’t, and where my strengths and weaknesses are. The one problem I always have, though, is oven space. My turkey takes up the whole space. So, even though my parents are going to be out of town, I’m going to use theirs.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I’m a little out of sorts today. Not sure why. I have a big project due for work, so perhaps it’s that I have a deadline looming? I don’t know.

Luckily, I had a check come through, so I’m able to replace my desk lamp. I went to turn it on this morning, and nothing. I’ve gone through 3 lightbulbs in 2 months. So, I think the lamp has finally bit the dust. It lasted a long time though! I had it next to my bed growing up. For a cheapy lamp, it had a long long life. So I got Poe and I matching desklamps. Also cheapy – but the better ones are $100-$200 a piece! I can’t spend that on small lamps! It goes against my constitution. Anyway, they match the decor I’m attempting in the office (nice but not too masculine or feminine, going with the burgundy/navy blue color scheme) since Poe and I share the office. I definitely need one, because our office is off the bedroom, and it’s kept like a cave so Poe can sleep during the day, and I need to be able to work.

Logan lost a tooth last night (and made $3). That took me by surprise! He had told me one was a little loose, and then he stumbled in to bring it to me after he was supposed to be asleep. At least he didn’t swallow it. The adult tooth is rightthere where you can see it, so it looks like the baby really hung on a long time. I was worried he would have my teeth – his smile was so similar – but the gap in his front teeth is closing, and the one he lost last night is one of mine that are still baby. (Yes, I still have baby teeth at 36 years of age.) So, it looks like he dodged my tooth bullet. Now let’s hope both kids dodged their dad’s tooth issues.

OK. Gotta go get motivated to work.

I told you that we’re trying to be more prepared around here in the event of an emergency. Part of the planning of that includes creating community.

Think about it. Most of my friends are online. Either they’re my online friends, made while blogging. Or they’re old friends, and we connect online. But honestly? Only one lives nearby – even she is 1/2 hour away. I’m not so much “antisocial” as much as I am very solitary. I enjoy my solitude. And my life has shown me that relationships are messy (duh). Messy usually ends up very painful for me, and so I choose to withdraw. My husband and I both like to just be alone or with each other. I hate hate hate crowds as well. Joseph has social phobia, and so I got a special needs pass so he could enjoy Disneyland – and it was THE BEST TRIP I ever took there. So, he comes by it honestly. OK, now what if an emergency happens?

My friends are online. 99% of them are in another state. So – they can’t really help. In addition, there are a whole host of emergencies that will take out the electricity. No electricity, here, means no internet. I do have an old rotary phone, just in case, so my phone (a cordless with answering machine) isn’t dependent on electricity, but what if the phones go out? What if it’s extended? What if you need help? What if you need to gather for safety in numbers due to looting? Enter the need for local community.

I found some “Prepper” groups on Meetup.com. I’m going the Saturday after Thanksgiving for a meet and greet for coffee. These groups basically provide training on various things that people are experts at, and provide a local community. I’m dreading this meeting, but it is necessary if we’re serious. I’m just going to have to get over this – my own insecurities.

I know it sounds ridiculous all this prepping talk. But watching the world today… It just seems prudent. All these earthquakes in places that don’t have them, make me dread the next one in California. Strange weather. My area was flooding just this last weekend. Fires – of course. And the socio-political-economic climate seems to be on a razor’s edge that could go either way.

I know I sound crazy. But it’s my gut – And I have to listen to my gut. Which means leaving my comfort zone. I don’t wanna, but I gotta.

Oh where to start, where to start…

Let’s just update you on all.

Joseph – started his first day of Middle School today.

Could we just have a moment of silence for me?

**shhhh**

OK. Enough said. Early in the summer we stopped Joseph’s meds. That turned out to be a disaster that I’d rather just forget. Suffice it to say… he’s back on his meds, and we’re not going to do that again anytime soon. Period. But he’s back on his meds – he’s started school, and he’s back to doing well.

Logan is still on summer break until 8/29. But he’s as ornery and funny as ever.

Poe is doing great, but has a current hatred for what he’s doing. There are some other possibilities on the table that are keeping us in a state of limbo, which I hate, but has the potential to be great. More on that later – if it pans out.

And me. I’ve been working my little tushie off. Which has left me no time for keeping up with friends, bloggers, social media or anything else. I’m still working on getting that to work. And now with Joseph starting school, and later Logan, it’s throwing me for a loop. Money = good, no time = not so good. I’m also working on my own spiritual path, what that looks like from a mental/spirit perspective, and logistics perspective.

So. Crazyness.

I know, I know, I know. I disappeared.

I can’t help it.

Let’s see. Let’s do a recap on everyone.

Joseph: Doing well! He starts 6th grade in the fall at his same special school. That district does Jr. High 6-8, so he’s technically entering Jr. High. Which… I’m not ready for. Neither am I ready for the budding puberty I’m witnessing. Under his psychiatrist’s direction, we’ve also stopped his meds. Except for a couple of days of adjustment, he’s done fine, which is great. I’m waiting for 3 months into the school year, though. That will be the true test as to whether he can stay off the meds. I know of wherefore I speak. He’s currently doing summer school.

Logan: Also doing well! He starts 3rd in fall. They’ll also be bringing in some modifications, as well as an OT observation based on a medical request. Of course, I’ve been asking for 3 years, but hey, better late than never? or something. Anyway, the modifications we requested should help him tremendously academically. The school finally seemed to realize the weightiness of his heart condition, and then promptly freaked the eff out, so now we have to have (yet another) meeting with the district nurse and the PE teacher before the school year starts. Sigh. They act like this has never been an issue before. Um. I’ve put it on all his school forms, he’s had it since birth, and he wears a medic-alert bracelet. Like I said, it’s only taken them 3 years. Seriously, get with the program.

Poe: Also doing well! He’s still working nights. We have hopes that a promotion is in the works, but the truth is that it is months away, and I don’t trust his company as far as I can throw them, so we’ll see.

Me: Doing… Ok. I’ve gained a ton of new clients (good!) but my mother is starting to refuse my help (bad!). I’ve been working on a lot of spiritual stuff (good!) which is leading to confusion (bad!). Still in therapy.

We’re also potentially planning a grandfather/grandson trip, and a camping trip. Maybe. If we can get our act together, and have some extra funds. Truthfully, one day morphs into the next. I feel like right now, we’re all about survival and routines. But we ARE surviving. We’re even seeing some progress on a lot of fronts. But lately it seems like it goes like this:

Wake up really early.

Work.

Wake kids/get ready.

Work.

Housework.

Work.

Dinner and cleanup.

Watch trash TV, because my brain can’t handle anything creative.

Bed.

Get up really early.

So… I haven’t gotten a good rant on in a really long time. And maybe that’s a good thing. I’m trying to live from a place that’s “heart-centered” and trying to not judge anyone for anything. That’s both easy, and incredibly difficult at the same time. But it does have the benefit of peace, which is something I’ve been trying to attain for a long, long time.

Been at this since ’95, and it’s the first time I’ve attempted one of these. Some are serious – some are not (but true). Edited to add: Also – my template changed all the numbers to alphabet instead. I have NO IDEA how to fix that. So when I say “See number 20?” I mean “Letter T.” Apparently.

1. I don’t like hummingbirds.  They’re vampires from hell that want to suck the juice from my eyeballs.
2. Bees scare me way too much for me not to be allergic.
3. They always have but I got stung by a bee in the crotch. That takes talent.
4. My husband can solve a Rubik’s cube in under 3 minutes.  Not my thing, but so random I have to mention it here.
5. I have incredibly curly hair.
6. I sometimes have pink hair.
7. My eyebrow is pierced.
8. I have two tattoos with plans to add more that connect those two into one picture.
9. Yes, they all mean something.
10. Yes, I’d do it again.
11. I waited a year for each to be sure.
12. I am politically conservative.
13. I am a Christian.
14. I am not your “typical” Christian. I have some extremely eclectic view which I do not share here.
15. I do not know who my biological father is.  I will never know, my biological mother is dead and purposely kept the info from me.
16. My favorite color is green.
17. I love pasta.
18. I hate yogurt.
19. I have 2 ulcers.  I tested negatively for the h-pylori bacteria – yes I do actually worry that much.
20. Did I mention I’m in therapy? I am.
21. I have a hernia waiting to break through.  Can’t do anything until it does, though.
22. I have consistent migraines.  Have since I hit puberty.
23. My husband had a brain injury.  Since his recovery, he’s prone to migraines.
24. We don’t go to concerts where there will be strobe lights or else neither of us would be able to drive home. We’re a pair.
25. I have two uteri & two cervices.  It’s called Uterine Didelphys.  I’m lucky to be a mother.
26. My husband and I both think I get PMDD, rather than PMS.  He’s learned to deal, but you?  You might want to stay away.
27. See number 20.
28. One ear is double pierced.  The other is triple pierced.
29. I used to be addicted to meth (as of this writing, it’s been over 13 years.) (Yes, I still count.)
30. I don’t drink much – don’t like the taste.
31. I have a cat who spends the day on my lap while I write.  It’s a hard life.
32. The same cat sleeps with me each night.  Her head shares my pillow.
33. I have a half sister I have not seen since she was 6 months old.  I searched and found her.  We are in contact, but neither of us can afford the trip to visit.
34. I have a half brother we have not been able to find.
35. I have another half sister that I think I found who was relinquished at birth.  But until I’m sure, I won’t disrupt her life.
36. I am one female in a house with three other males. And yet, I clean the toilets. Something’s not right.
37. I am a great cook – but I don’t do fancy.  You seriously want to eat my pot roast.
38. I am the only person in the house who will willingly eat something with foreign things in it – like vitamins and minerals.
39. I am annoyed very easily.
40. I can’t stand people. Persons I like. People can suck it.
41. I think artichokes are an awful lot of work for very little return.
42. Coffee and I are BFFs.
43. I smoke. I’m not proud that I smoke. I don’t need the lecture.
44. I have green/gray/blue eyes. Depends on my mood and what I’m wearing.
45. I like them best when they’re green.
46. I wear glasses.
47. I will never wear contacts because the idea of putting something in my eye completely squicks me out.
48. Which is why I will never have Lasik surgery – I’d probably pass out from the anxiety.
49. I’m scared of heights. It’s just about a full-blown phobia. I will not go on “straight down” rides, like Freefall at Magic Mountain.
50. I break out in a sweat and use both hands on the rail if I go up or down those stairs you can see through.
51. I had to walk across a freeway overpass. My husband had to hold onto me, until I broke out into a run ’cause I was almost to the other side. All while telling the kids, “I’m fine, no problem.” And then promptly burst into tears.
52. See number 20.
53. I play those annoying Facebook games. If you don’t like it, you know you can block those applications right? If you write me and tell me to stop putting it on your feed… I’m not. It’s because you’re seeing MY feed, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I will also give you detailed directions in how to block the application so you don’t have to see them ever again.
54. I can be a bit prickly.
55. I am also kind.
56. I’m not very sympathetic.
57. If someone dies, I’m probably not going to hold your hand. (I know, I suck.) But chances are, I’ll make sure your house is clean, you’re eating enough, and your bills are paid properly until you’re back on your feet.
58. I might be a bit too practical.
59. And emotions are hard for me.
60. It has to do with how I was raised, some abuse, rape, and abandonment issues. Oh – and see number 20.
61. My husband has the capability to completely undo me emotionally in all the good ways. And he’s the only one who can.
62. My mother has the capability, however, to completely undo me emotionally in all the bad ways. Again – she’s the only one who can.
63. I am a strict disciplinarian. My kids both have special needs, and need that structure with monumental boundaries. So if you tell me my son would be fine if he just had more discipline at home – I may scratch your eyes out.
64. I’m a bit of a mama bear.
65. I love ghost hunting shows.
66. Yes, I believe in ghosts.
67. And I don’t believe any religion has the full knowledge of what will happen in the afterlife.
68. Love potatoes, doesn’t matter if they’re mashed, baked, fried, or stuffed.
69. I cannot hear the volume of my own voice due to inner ear damage. My biological mother dropped me on my head 3 times resulting in 3 concussions, hence the damage. My husband has to give me visual clues that I’m getting too loud when I’m excited.
70. I also have trouble separating conversations in loud places (like restaurants, or cars when the radio is on).
71. Have I mentioned my dysfunctional family?
72. Also, see number 20.
73. I said yes to a guy to marry him after 3 days.
74. We were married 3 months later (no I was not pregnant).
75. We just had our 13th anniversary.
76. I know how to use knives. My favorite is a triple edged dagger.
77. I have a weakness for pajamas, the softer the better. My favorite part of the day.
78. I have a weakness for new blank journals.
79. Oh, and fountain pens!
80. I wear a toe ring.
81. I can type as fast as most people talk. (Not as fast as I talk. But as fast as normal people talk.)
82. I love candles. There is usually one burning all day long.
83. I’d rather be cold than hot.
84. I’m not sure if I believe aliens exist or not. But I do not believe it’s impossible.
85. After all that strangeness, my favorite ice cream flavor is vanilla.
86. I hate cake frosting, unless it’s cool whip. My grandma used to make me angel food cakes without the frosting for my birthday because of this.
87. For birthdays I usually make some extra unfrosted cupcakes on the side because of this. Mom likes ‘em that way too.
88. I used to make jewelry. I don’t have the money for the findings, so I can’t right now.
89. I LOVE to read, and do so voraciously.
90. I have a standard pot-luck meal: Pasta Roni (chicken, butter, or Parmesan flavor). While pasta is cooking, add frozen corn. Grill chicken breast and cut into bite size chunks. Add to final pasta. Top with shredded cheddar. Good hot or cold. Might sound kind of weird, but it’s the only thing I’ve ever taken that every bit of it gets eaten by strangers.
91. When I make pasta – I make enough to feed an army. It’s seriously sad how out of whack my dried pasta to cooked pasta ratio is skewed.
92. I’ve learned to love next day/leftover pasta.
93. I have a strong emotional memory. In other words – if something happens that makes me feel something (good or bad) I’ll remember. Such as that conversation from 1992. I seriously caught my husband  in a 5 year old white lie. He was amazed. And doesn’t lie anymore.
94. I, however, cannot remember anything I ate last week.
95. I own my own business. I’m damn good at what I do.
96. I am a dog person, yet I have two cats. They are distinct individuals, and we cater to their habits. We? Are also suckers.
97. I am a terrible, terrible photographer. (I am totally jealous of those who’s candid snapshots look like they belong in a gallery installation.)
98. I am an Aries. I don’t know what that means, exactly, but I’m told that’s spot on.
99. My first computer was an Apple IIc+. My current computer is a pink dell named Betsy. I also have a pink cover on my iPhone. She’s Lucy. My kindle? Lola.
100. I just heard you roll your eyes.