Sparks and Butterflies

I’m mad today.  I want to smash things.  I want to tell people, like my children and husband, what I really really think in my head.

This is NOT a clean room!  This goes HERE like every other 4 billionth time I told you!  Can you NOT unscrunch the clothes when you take them off?  What is so difficult about putting the game IN THE CASE!?  What is that SMELL?!  Hello?  Who taught you how to drive, moron!  I AM NOT THE MAID. But it’s all shrieked in my head like a freakin’ banshee on PMS…  wait a minute…

And I check my mon.thly (aside – love that thing) calendar, and huh.  I’m not particularly regular but it notes that I’m probably 1 week and 3 days away.  And then I realize I’m not actually insane.  Just hormonal.

Don’t cross me for the next three days.

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Contest for the Super Bowl Party Pack is still open!

First off, thank you so much for your – er – nippular recommendations…  Much appreciated, and I’m going to try some of the bras mentioned.  No bandaids though – sensitive skin and I react to adhesive.

There’s a joke in there somewhere.

On to another topic altogether.  I have PMS.  This is no surprise to anyone that knows me.  However, I’m finding that over time (years, really) it’s getting really bad.  Now I have the standard crazy behavior, and it’s to the point where I have to make sure I’m not making Life Choices during that time, ’cause it really could just be the hormones.  But I’m also finding there to be a lot of anxiety during that point in time as well.  Morbid thoughts – plannings of funerals – etc.  Not like suicidal or homicidal, more like, what if?  What would I do if?  It usually only happens in the quiet.  I’m only in the quiet in my car to and from work, and then in bed going to sleep, so that’s when the thoughts occur.

Like I said, it only happens during PMS time.  What is this?  I’m assuming just a strong PMS?  And is there any way to “fix” it without hormones of any kind?  I cannot take the pill, or the ring, or anything like that, because the side effect is migraines.  What do I do?

I went to the doctor for my three month follow up visit.

The meds are working to control things = good.

The meds if forgotten means noticeable symptoms = bad.

I’ve had a fever for every single appointment = bad.

So, basically, I’ve been living with a low grade fever for 6 months (unknown cause).  The medications are doing they’re job, but not fixing things.  He thinks that I might have a bacterial infection in my stomach causing all of this, however, I tested negative for the H. Pylori.  He said that there are others, so it still may be a factor.  I’m starting up two really strong antibiotics at the same time for two weeks, and keeping my other meds the same.  Another three month follow up.  If at that time nothing’s changed, and there’s a noticeable difference when I forget my meds, then it’s another endoscopy for me to see if the hernia and ulcers have gotten bigger.

However the whole fever thing?  May indeed be why I hit a wall at 2pm and could easily go to bed at that time.  I basically forcing myself to get through the rest of the day and evening with my family.

Don’t forget – you can win a free case of water!

Pardon the slight radio silence…  Had a technical glitch which has been fixed.

In keeping with the questions asked (which you totally can still do…  Ask away) I have the questions asked by Mickey.

What helped you battle your drug addiction? What keeps you up?

What helped me battle…  It is a hard question.  I never actually participated in a rehab program of any sort.  What happened, is in the span of 3 days:

• I found out that a drug dealer was after me for the bad debt of my ex-boyfriend (mistakenly believing the ex would care.)
• Left my apartment because those I lived with left, and I couldn’t stand those who moved in.
• Started for Northern California with my brother, and a hundred bucks in my pocket and all my worldly possessions.

I didn’t actually MEAN to get clean.  But leaving L.A. meant the dealer after me would forget about me.  And moving 350 miles away meant that I didn’t know a soul – including those that could give me drugs.

I lived in a church dormitory.  A friend was living there, and they decided to give me a break.  Possibly the best thing that ever happened to me.  There was no privacy.  We literally had cubicles (like in an office), and shared a bathroom and showers (although we had individual curtains.  Boys separate from girls.  And that’s where I went through withdrawals.  I’m not sure I even knew what they were at the time.  I just remember that one girl asked me to go to church with her every couple of days – other than that they left me alone.  I suspect they were keeping an eye on me, but didn’t want to intervene unless needed.

After that – it was fairly easy.  I still thought about speed pretty much all the time, but didn’t know how to get it.  I was in a strange city, with no car, and no clue the place to go.  So I used the opportunity.

There was one after effect that I had a hard time with, which was insomnia.  My longest go on speed was no sleep or food for 12 days.  I drank water, but I didn’t want food – it grossed me out when I was high on meth.  But my usual was about 48 hours up, sleep, 48 hours up, sleep.  Well, my nocturnal clock was all messed up, so even though I wasn’t chemically stimulated I still couldn’t sleep!  I had finally found a job at a drug store (ha! – I’m so not kidding!) and they had these cd’s on sale…  Sort of like musak, but really good.  Instrumentals.  Anyway I would listen to that cd at bedtime, and ONLY at bedtime…  Eventually I was able to “cue” myself to going to sleep.  To this day, I still have the CD (over a decade later) and it is still relaxing to me.  It was another 3 and a half years up north, and then we moved back here.  By then, I’d met and married my husband, and had my first child.  I have no interest in screwing up my life.  I know no one who could get it for me.  I’ve been clean since October of 1997.

And she had another question – unrelated I think:

To quote Father Arrupe, have you ever fallen in love, a love that makes you wake up in the morning excited for the day?

Yes.  I have.  I’m still in love with my husband.  Although, I think it’s grown to a more mature, and all encompassing love than that first swooning infatuation.  He was not my first love, however (he knows this.)  I was in love twice before.  Both, however, I believe I lost me in it.  But most definitely it was love.  But Oh my Gosh was it destructive.  With Poe, however, it’s a strong, committed, respectful, honest, two way, fun, breathtaking kind of love.  It was fast.  But we just plain knew.  And now we’re over the decade hump – and yes I would marry him again.

Well, I went to the doctor for the followup visit yesterday. Finally.

The good news? No cancer.

Now, let’s see…

• Weight is still fluctuating. This time it was down 10 pounds from the last time I saw them. Whatever. My thyroid is normal.
• Ulcers – 2, small, right next to each other. I tested negative for H. Pylori – so it’s a combo of stress, too much acid, and my headache pills. I’m not giving up my headache pills – I’m a chronic headache sufferer (hormones cause them, nothing I can do about it.) So I’m to stay on the drugs I was on. The ulcers will heal slower, but counter-act the effects of the headache stuff on my stomach.
• Cholesterol – High! This surprised me, as that’s new. Never been high before. No drugs – although I may try some supplementation along with diet.
• Hernia – I am about to get a stomach hernia. It’s just begun. There’s nothing they can do about it until it pops, for lack of a better phrase. And in fact, it may never do so. So, yay for ticking timebombs.
• Acid Reflux – since I’m still having acid reflux and heartburn (and no they are not necessarily one and the same) even through the other medication I’m on… And the way my stomach feels after eating, I’m on a new drug for motility. Basically to move the food better on through. So, I’ll be starting on that.

Another follow up in 3 months.

Here’s the thing.

I don’t know if Adam and Eve are going to be in Heaven or not…  Scripture is a little unclear if they served God faithfully AFTER they got the boot from the garden.

But when I get there, I’m hunting her down and slapping her upside the back of the head.

This month’s “curse” was a really bad one.

You know?  I really hate waiting.

So, I had an appointment yesterday to go over the results of all the tests I’ve had in the last three weeks.  But I had to cancel – and the next appointment he had was TWO WEEKS from now.  Why’d I have to cancel?  Because not all the biopsy results were back yet.

When I expressed concern about that…  She said, “Well, if it was anything life threatening, the doctor would have called you.”

That.Is.So.Not.The.Point.

So more waiting.

That’s okay.  I’ll just sit her in continued pain for a couple of weeks.  NO PROBLEM.

Well, got my ultrasounds done today – pelvic and abdomen.

Not particularly fun, but hey.

And yes, I think they found something.   Judging by some whispered conversations and observations of body language.  What, I don’t know of course, as they send this stuff to my doctor.

I’m not going to worry about it.  I go to the doctor in regards to all the test results as a whole next Wednesday.  Unless they haven’t received today’s results – in which case we’ll reschedule.

Man.

I hate all this waiting.

So not having a hot stomach day, so this is going to be quick.

An update on the health stuff…  I’m going to have my ultrasound on Friday, and I have my doctor’s appointment to go over everything next week.

Which is none too soon let me tell you.  Today just sucks.

Also – I think maybe y’all need to update your feeds.  I’m a little confused by the whole thing, but I think you do.  Maybe.  I dunno – you tell me.

Had the endoscopy yesterday.  I’ll get the full results later in the month when I go in for all my results.  I still need to have an ultrasound done.  And then I’ll get to hear it all.  But in the meantime, I know I have 2 ulcers.  But, they did a LOT of different kinds of bloodwork, so I’m curious about the whole picture.  Hmmm.  At least now, they can’t say the pain is all in my head.

Poe says now they really know the effects of him and the kids…  The gray hair was just the beginning.  Heh.