Sparks and Butterflies

The Blogathon is over… I’m rested… And I’m ready to talk.

I slept on this. Twice. I’m not sure how to word what I want to say, but I’ll make an attempt.

Where were you?

I couldn’t attend BlogHer this year due to our lack of financial resources. I was bummed about it because I wouldn’t get to see my friends. I was starting to feel really morose about it, and decided to do something good to offset the bad, because that helps my mental state. That’s why I decided to do Blogathon this year. I could do good, and have something to occupy my mind.

I wrote about it on my blog, Facebook, Twitter, every social network I have, and emailed everyone I know (except for my husband’s family.) I reached out several times. Supposedly, this is my community. Had all the people that I’m friendly with, worked with, worked for, and are actual friends with given just one dollar each, I would have had a hell of a lot more money to give to my charity – the whole point of the Blogathon.

Want to know how many of you put your money where your mouth is to support your “friend?”

One. One shiny, pretty, lovely blogger who shall remain nameless.

Here’s the breakdown – I was able to raise $125 for Fisher House. A charity that I picked because I believe in it, and because I felt the reach went far – non-partisan, non-religious, and helped a cause my husband believed in (the least I could do, since he took over here for two days so I could participate.) To give you some scope on that number, 144 blogs participated, and $44,060.37 in total were pledged. This wasn’t a small thing.

So who gave?

My mom (of course.) Another lady who I hadn’t seen in 19 years until recently. She doesn’t really know me anymore, just gave of her heart. Two fellow Blogathoners who were moved to contribute for their own reasons. And the beautiful blogger I already mentioned.

Internet… I thought we were friends? I write in this box thing, and people communicate with me. They commiserate with me. They cry with me. They work with me. They laugh with me. I thought I had found my “tribe” as several bloggers have correctly put it.

Look – I know most of my people were at BlogHer. I’ve been there. I know it’s crazy, I know you’re busy, I know you’re overwhelmed. But I certainly had been putting this out there for longer than BlogHer so that’s no excuse.

Except for that one beautiful friend (and yes, I do consider her a friend) my tribe let me down. And I think I realize that maybe the internet isn’t my friend after all. And that maybe I was deluding myself into thinking that I was part of a community. Because I did the Blogathon three years ago, and you didn’t let me down then.

Maybe I’m just crying over spilled milk. But it doesn’t feel that way to me. And yes, actually, my feelings got hurt. This blog isn’t a job. It’s been a springboard to some other things, but this is not a problog. This is my cyberspace home. My journal.

Internet, are you telling me it’s time to breakup?

Well, you beautiful people… It’s 6am pacific. Also 6am for me. That means I’m done! I did it! I survived! 24 hours of blogging every half hour.

Pledging is still open for 48 hours. Please consider it! Fisher House is such a great cause, and helps military families at their most vulnerable.

There were a few touchy moments where I thought I was actually going to have to post about bulldozers. Don’t ask.

There is one thing that has really really bothered me. But I am incredibly vulnerable right now and on the verge of tears, because I’m at my physical limits. So I need to sleep on it to see if I really want to hash it out. We’ll see.

Thank you for putting up with so many posts from me.

And whatever you do, don’t call me. I’ll be sleeping.

If you would convince a man that he does wrong, do right. Men will believe what they see.

-Henry David Thoreau

I sit here thinking. Stayawakestayawakestayawake.

One thing I noticed was a lot of blogathoners actually writing about their causes. Commendable. Understandable. And, well, logical.

I couldn’t do that. To submerge myself in the stories, and the angst, and the hurt, and the issues, and the pain. We’re blogging for charities after all. If you dig in, there’s a lot of pain to be found. Because I know me, and my mental headspace – especially in the wee wee hours of the night, for me to have done that would have been detrimental to my mental health.

Instead I’ve posted odds and ends, weirds and thoughts, randoms and cutes.

But you know what? It worked. I’m still here posting away.

I found the original blogger!!

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one.

-C. S. Lewis

I don’t promise that I’m coherent at this point. It’s been 21 1/2 hours. 21 1/2 HOURS. HOURS. Spell check is my friend now.

I love blogging. For so many reasons.

Journaling. I’ve always had a journal. But I hated handwriting, and as soon as I had a computer I started typing. There’s something so soothing to the clickety clackety of the keyboard and my fingers flying and words appearing. Dumping my brain out. Putting my inner thoughts out where they can’t torment me any longer. And then the internet came into being for the common folk, and I was about to express my thoughts out to the vast universe to be read by whomever. Opening myself up to criticism. Yes. But the sheer act of opening myself up is therapeutic in and of itself. Plus, I print my blog annually, and put that year in my hope chest. Even if it disappears from the internet, it’s a legacy for my children.

Community. As an introvert who then had children and adult responsibilities, this has led to being able to have relationships regardless of my availability. Wonderful for the psyche. Connection. Friendship. Debate.

I could go on. Wish I could express myself better. Best I can do at 3:30am.

Right the moment I have on my desk:

Laptop (of course)

cordless mouse

smokes (SHHHHHHHH iknowiknowiknow)

dinner dishes

glasses

coffee

the usual desk supplies – in box, out box, pencil and odds holders

flip camera

digital camera

medications

phone – and if it rings that’s a baaaad thing right now.

notepad

What’s on your desk?

OK, no not really. 3 1/2 more hours to go.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Steven Spielberg I’m not… But I had to do something different, because I was getting too sleepy.

What’s money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.

-Bob Dylan