At first, I thought I’d write on dreams I’ve had in the past. But I don’t keep a dream journal, and they just flit through my mind like fog - and then they’re gone.
Instead I’ll write about tangible dreams I have for myself, and for my family, rather than what my subconcious has to say.
For myself… I dream of really simple things. I can’t seem to get past them in order to dream bigger. But these are mine:
- Stay at home mom: Pretty simple statement, so hard to accomplish. And that’s just a truly sad fact in my opinion. Some people have asked me, “If you wanted to stay home to raise your family so much, why didn’t you wait until you were financially stable?” To them, I say fuck you. But truly? First - I’m 31 now, we’ve been married 8 years, and we’re still not stable. Second - I have a reproductive system birth defect. It took us over a year to conceive our first child, whom we miscarried. We went on to have 2 sons, but it’s a good thing we did when we did. Turns out that my particular defect… Only 60% chance of healthy birth with no death to either child or mother. I’m not sure I would have had children at all had I known the full facts at the time. And now I cannot stay home to raise them. Two words: It sucks.
- Own my own home: This living next door to my parents thing, 550 sq feet, boys sharing a room, no air conditioner, no yard thing? Totally for the birds. You heard it here first.
- Get my teeth fixed: I’d like to look less like a freak please. Another beautiful birth defect. I was born without 8 of the permanent buds. Which means they didn’t grow in and push out 8 of the baby teeth. Which means that at 31 years of age, I still have 2 more baby teeth that haven’t fallen out yet. But the other ones that did? I fixed the two front bottoms, so they’re cool. Permanent bridge. Two of them don’t matter, back molars. Then one on each side of my top teeth - big ol’ spaces. Bridges are really expensive, and I’m not in pain… The teeth I’ve got are healthy, I just don’t have enough of them. So, I just can’t justify spending money on them when we can buy things, like, you know, toilet paper. Hence, hickville. Thank God it’s not my two front teeth.
- The last is the most important to me - and nothing I can do to make it happen but faith. That Logan will live through his heart surgery(ies) when it/they happen. I don’t fear the lead up to. I don’t fear recovery or his life after. I fear the surgery itself, while he’s on the table. And this is a dream that I can’t just work towards. I just have to trust God and the surgeons. And that, my friends, sucks.
Leave a Reply
July 16th, 2006 at 6:48 am
Reading my way through the BC Carnival!
Great dreams, so sorry about the last one. It does suck.
July 16th, 2006 at 9:13 am
Lovely carnival post, I hope all your dreams come true! I would have something, but a disaster of chocolate pudding got in my way…
July 16th, 2006 at 9:56 am
Everyone should have dreams - no matter how small. Nothing is insignificant!
July 16th, 2006 at 3:50 pm
I will keep Logan in my prayers…and the surgeons too! Really good, honest post. I could relate to many of them.
July 16th, 2006 at 6:17 pm
Sorry about your little guy! That of course is an excellent dream!
Visiting from the BC Carnival
July 17th, 2006 at 10:53 am
Being a SAHM is soooo hard, I hear you on that one!
You’ll get a house some day, it’s the best!
Logan will be in my thougts and best of luck and wishes for his procedure!
July 17th, 2006 at 12:32 pm
Do your best. In these times, it is impossible to ever be stable, I think.
Good news about your teeth. One, the baby teeth have stem cells in them and may be worth money. Two, I needed a lot of work on my mouth, so I went to the dentist. I got a quote and then talked with the insurance person. She said, “we may be able to arrange a loan.” It was from CitiBank and she did all the work.
Pray for Logan and trust in God. It is so scary, but heart surgery is not as life threatening as it used to be. It is amazing what they can do. I was gettinga mamogram the other day and I ran into a woman that had two valves replaced in her heart about 3 weeks ago. She was up and around.
Here from BC on C&C Monday.
July 17th, 2006 at 9:07 pm
I’ll be praying for you son.
and just as a side note - we almost named Connor - Logon. Changed it in the last couple of months.